yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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