I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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