i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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