What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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