i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
its not stalking. its research.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
