i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
