Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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