I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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