ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
