Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
