first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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