I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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