fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
