I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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