Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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