i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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