She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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