I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
