Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
