Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
