So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
