Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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