i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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