More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
