I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
