The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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