A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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