Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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