Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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