I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
