Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
