can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
