please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
