Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
