So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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