first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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