i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
