She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I want her autograph on my taint
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
