He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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