im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
