I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
