apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
