i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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