I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
