Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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