That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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