Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
