dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
