I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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