I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Drunk is not a location!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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