i'm signing you up for texting rehab
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
