I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
