Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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