Your mouth is God's brothel.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
