I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
