mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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