apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
