You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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