I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
