life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
