I'm lost and stupid without you.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
