You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize