so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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