I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
