I can tuck mytits in my pants
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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