the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
