I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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